May 09

Totes Awks! The Hipster’s Guide to the Greatest Colombian.

If a tree fell in the forest, and nobody heard it, would a hipster still have the album on vinyl?”

Supsies, brah? So, this is totes Awks, babez. Like, the History Channel (puhlease! Totes outdated!) has just released the 25 finalists in El Gran Colombiano – which means, the Great Colombian, but whatevs, babez. You guessed it: the list is totes mainstream.  Ugh. Not a fixie rider among them. Talk about sell-outs. Don’t even get me started on Simon Bolivar – that guy’s like everywhere these days. So here is the totes underground list of the Greatest Colombies of all time.

1. Where are the babez, babez?

A totes abstract monument to Gaitana.
A totes abstract monument to Gaitana.


Yah – so the first thing I notced is like, where are all the babez, right? I mean, even if Shakira (ugh talk about mainstreamsies), is, like, really a chick, there are still just 4 ladies in the entire list. Talk about sexist – which I totes hate, brah. Like, where’s Gaitana, probs one of the most hardcore ladiez of all time? This indigenous leader from way back in the day (like 16th century: that’s even before the 80s), after refusing to pay a tribute to the Spanish Establishment (fyi: never pay cover fees, brah), witnessed her son get burnt to death. She wasn’t going to stand for that, and got all her peeps together to rebel. She took the conquistador’s eyes (hardcore) and pretty much stuck it to The Man. Major props, babez.

Other ladiez too good for the mainstream: Manuela Beltran, Agustina, and Maria Cano. Totes respect!


2. Yah – like Juanes, for realsies?

Our beloved and dearly missed Joe Arroyo
Juanes? Talk about jokesies, man!


Even though he had pretty hair back in the oldskool days with Ekhymosis in the 90s, Juanes is, like, completely mainstream these days. Greatest Colombian ever? No waysies, brah! If we’re talking about greatest musicians, like, where’s Joe Arroyo – who won everything ever invented, and even had his own TV show, before it was cool to do that. He lived in Barranquilla, too – pretty underground, right?

And, if we’re on the subject of music, where’s Totes La Momposina, too? Guess she’s not “cool” enough. Whatevs.


3. Like, one beard among the lot of them?

Now, that's how to rock a beard, brah.
Now, that’s how to rock a beard, brah.


The facial hair in this list is totes lame – except Shakira. Also, where are the underground artists? Those with real style, like velvet suits and ties and stuff? Yah, I mean, where’s my man Jose Asuncion Silva? Poet and hipster (before it was cool to be a “hipster”), Jose is totes oldskool. He’s even on the 5,000 peso note. With, like, one of the best beards ever. Amazeballs.


4. Pombo, brah.

That's how top-hats are done, babez.
That’s how top-hats are done, babez.


While we’re on the subject of bros with style, where’s Rafael Pombo? A beard almost as good as Jose’s, and this man could wear a top-hat! Poet, journalist, children’s author, and hipster, Raf was the Man. Not like “the Man” you have to stand up to, but more like, “Raf – you the Man, brah!”


5. Fanny Mikey. 

Fanny Mikey
Rock the ginge, Fans.


Not only did Fanny have the best name ever, but she’s like the biggest thing in Latin American theatre (most people don’t even know what theatre is. lame). She was also behind the best theatre party in the world, the Bogota Iberoamericano Theatre Festival. She was even a ranga, which I totes give her props for.

These are just 5 underground Greatest Colombians. I’d tell you about more, but you’ve probs never even heard of them. Like, sue me, brah!



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