Moustaches are amazing. It’s just a scientific fact. Colombia has a long and venerable history of recognising this iron-clad fact, and, in honour of Movember (which, we should remember, is first and foremost a charity event), it’s time to look at some representatives of the mighty ‘tache in our beloved Colombia: the good, the bad, and the useless. Who, amongst these worthiest adversaries, deserves the Moustache Crown?
Nice mo effort, bro!
This category is for those Colombians of fame that have perservered in the worthy art of mo-growing for substantial periods of time. There may be more spectacular soup strainers around, but these are nice, solid efforts. The winner here is really the moustache.
Colombian writers are often strong proponents of the stiff-haired upper lip, and the recently deceased poet, Alvaro Mutis, is first mo off the ranks with a fine effort here. He sometimes eschewed facial hair, but much to his detriment, in my humble opinion.
Juan José Nieto Gil was president of the Granadine Confederation for a solid four months, which makes him the only man of colour to be president here in Colombia. His story had been erased for many years, but now he’s starting to get the recognition he deserves. His fine moustache, with an inventive variation of a chin-beard, is worthy of praise in and of itself.
General Rodolfo Palomino’s moustache is an imposing and heavily fortified manifestation of the type Groucho Marx immortalised. Stirling effort.
Jairo Anabal Niño, another ‘tache wielding representative of the Colombian Writers’ Posse, was a children’s writer. His moustache, though, was definitively not child’s play. A dazzling lighter shade of pale, to match his fine shock of hair and jacket.
The great Independence hero, General Francisco de Paula Santander, was quite the stickler for rules. This is aptly demonstrated in such quotes as “Moderation, tolerance and justice govern the heart and disarms discontent.” This quote, in turn, is perfectly demonstrated in the balance, moderation and grace of his moustache, which flutters on his face like two little dove-wings of peace.
Horacio Serpa Uribe, politician and lawyer, nearly made it into the next, more highly esteemed category, solely with the expression on his face in the above photo – an expression which clearly bellows: “Look! I have an awesome moustache, and a silver plate. Eat that!”
Well, it probably wouldn’t be that impressive at all without the hair, and without it being on this absolute phenomenon of a person. I guess we’ll never know, though. And here, he represents all his mo-wielding comrades in that legendary Colombian football team. Carlos Valderrama, we salute you once again.
Now THAT, Sir, is How to Wear a Moustache
This category is where the big guns come out. You are about to experience moustaches of the utmost quality. No dilly-dallying here; these ‘taches would stop traffic. Our humbled hats are deferentially lifted off to you, Sirs!
The writers continue to represent, and how! Rafael Pombo, beloved children’s writer, shows us how to wear a magnificent, free-form moustache with grace, panache, and glasses. Superb stuff.
Yet another writer. Jose Asuncion Silva, Colombia’s patron poet saint of hipsters, gets the artfully waxed and twisted moustache done right. As delicate, dramatic, and devastating as his poetry.
For purely personal reasons, I’m an absolute sucker for the Friendly Mutton Chops. President Jose Hilario Lopez is here giving us all a lesson on how to do it.
Rafael Reyes was a fine President of the Republic. He was also a glorious wearer of moustaches. Over his storied moustache career, he demonstrated a jaw-dropping number of variations, all of the utmost quality. This is probably his greatest effort, though. Bold and graceful, this moustache has awe-inspiring depth and sweep. A true master.
The ex-presidents keep on delivering absolute gold in the moustache stakes. Jose Maria Obando, twice president, and eventual opponent to the (generally moustacheless) great Simon Bolivar, had a likewise history-changing career in moustache variations. This is a moustache of raw power, glorying on his countenance like a majestic condor. Not to be messed with. Not for a second.
Alvaro “El Polaco” Escobar, you might not be the most famed of Colombian footballers, but your moustache effort here is truly sublime. Your place here amongst the Greats Of the Colombian Moustache is thoroughly deserved with this absolute brute of a thing.
And finally: You’re Just Going to Have to Do Better, I’m Afraid
Carlos Vives: you may have a won a music award or two, but you’re not fooling anyone here. No Mo award for you.
OK, so Carlos didn’t win anything here, but who did? Who would you pick as Greatest Colombian Moustache of All Time?
