#A country gone to hell.
(Overhead shot of a desert – cacti, chickens, and donkeys. Numerous Mexicans in army fatigues shooting machine guns into the air)
Mexicans: “Underlay, underlay, Yippai! Yippai!”
#A ruthless drug lord with no mercy.
(Shot of a chubby, white-suited, sun-glassed drug lord walking away as his moustachioed goons shoot a weeping man in a sombrero while his distraught family watch on. Chickens fly everywhere, clucking in terror. Young Scooter in the background, dancing Gangnam style.)
Drug Lord: “I tole jou no screw me, Miguelerino. Eef I tell jou grow Ecstasy plants, jou grow ’em. Look at jou now!”
Young Scooter: “I jus’ fell in love with a Cuban.”
(A donkey in the background explodes into a mushroom cloud.)
#A city without law.
(Overhead shot of Bogota – helicopters circling indiscriminately, entire blocks on fire. Monkeys scale old pink Cuban buildings crumbling among the dust and cacti. In a dingy plaza, men in sombreros dance to ranchero music around a massive pile of white powder, firing their revolvers into the air. Explosions.)
#A sexy lady in peril.
(Shot of Sexy Colombian Lady in crop-top and denim shorts being escorted out of a shiny black SUV by Young Scooter. An inscrutable Drug Lord looks on, smoking a fat cigar.)
Sexy Colombian Lady: “I no comprendo. I sooo sexy. How come hay problemos?
Young Scooter: “I love Colombia.”
#One man will rise above the chaos.
Rocco: “But Mommy!! I don’t wanna go Columbia. It smells funny, and besides, I don’t even like cocaine.”
Madonna: “Now, you’re coming with me, and that’s final! Another word, and you’re on the first plane back to Africa!”
Rocco: “I just know you’re going to take your top off. They’ll beat me up at school again.”
(Shot of Young Scooter, mixing up a bowl of what looks like pancake batter.)
(Shot of Drug Lord, slapping a donkey in the face.)
(Shot of a terrified Sexy Colombian Lady, washing a black SUV. Suds everywhere.)
#REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED
(Young Scooter spontaneously combusts.)
Madonna: “What happened to your meeting with Scooter?”
Rocco: “I had to blow him off.”
#COLUMBIA: THE MOVIE
(Shot of Rocco, embracing Sexy Colombian Lady, who is wearing a pointy bra. Pan to the sky.)
Hollywood, eh? If you don’t laugh, you just might cry.
This is Part VI of our Colombia vs. Hollywood series. Check out our inspirations here: